I had prepared myself for a period of widespread lunacy in the family in the aftermath of his death. The mother unit, as per usual, demonstratively showed her grief, blubbering, and sputtering, without a single tear dropping from her eyes. She was surrounded by people who showered her with attention and words of consolation. It became apparent that she was the only one grieving this loss. There were no hugs and warmth for the father unit. My batshit crazy sister didn’t attend the funeral. This time she was the wise one. As for me? Business as usual. I was completely ignored unless I was asked to get the mother something.
I realized something that day. I was switched at birth. This isn’t my real family. Karma made a mistake and placed me among these surreal aliens as some form of cruel experiment to see just how long a human can last being tortured by it’s parental units and other family members (as needed.)
I cut my funeral visit short and left the father to be the emotional slave to the mother. I spent the long drive home allowing myself the to think about the the things in my life that going forward I was going to put to death so that I could go about my life being happy and not feeling blamed and ashamed all the time.
It’s true. Others can’t make you feel a certain way. Only you can make yourself feel something in response to what others do or don’t say or do.
The 5 hour drive became the catharsis that I needed. I only wish I had taken the drive a long time ago. I’ve put the bad alien shit in it’s proper place and have been able to move beyond the mother and ineffective father. By leaving my own brother’s funeral events early, which if you think about it is not exactly socially acceptable, I proved to myself that I am capable of moving on. My brother didn’t care that I left. He’s dead. Although I miss him, he didn’t miss me at his funeral. The father gave me a disapproving glance as I got in my car and drove off. The mother never said a word. She probably didn’t notice I was gone. The best part about all of it was that I didn’t care if she noticed I was leaving or not. The only regret that comes from leaving was that I didn’t get to spend as much time with my grandkids as I would have liked, but that can be made right later. The last thing I wanted to happen was for them to become upset if I were to become upset, which has happened in the past.
Leaving set me free. I hate to have to type this out, but my brother’s death set me free.
I did experience a couple months of depressive thoughts and actions since he died, but I’ve started the process of repair. Some will tell you to not make major changes in your life when something as tragic as the loss of a loved one takes place. I disagree. I’ve made the following changes and so far it’s helped me drastically in going forward and searching for happiness again.
- Quit my job that I hate. This took tremendous courage as I quit before I had secured another job. I had been at my job for a very long time and was fearful of change.
- Got a better job at a better company for more money.
- Decided to not start the new job immediately. I am taking 2 months off to do whatever the hell I want. The new company is o.k. with this, and the time of my start date works out well for both of us.
- Stopped participating in political discussions as this contributes to my frustrations and unhappiness. I’m not completely tuning out and sticking my head in the sand. I’m just putting my energy elsewhere. All politicians are alike so why debate? Although Trump is my man, he will also probably become just like all the other politicians. He will disappoint us, perhaps not to the extent of establishment politicians, but disappoint us he will. I distrust the type who promise a chicken in every pot, and that is exactly the strategy he is using. He will never deport en mass, there will never be a functioning wall, and Mexico will never pay for it. I’m also done with the SJW crowd. My positive mindset has improved drastically since I cut them out.
- Cut off all forms of communication with family who have been the source of constant long term pain in my life. They have been told to not attempt to communicate with me in any form. They are blocked from my phone. The mother refuses to go along with my requests and still tries to sends things to me in the mail. I had been tearing them up and disposing of them immediately, but I’ve learned that I can refuse delivery of mail from certain individuals if I wish. I will use this strategy if she attempts to send me snail mail again. My father attempts to email me. I delete them, and have subsequently blocked him from contacting me via email. Historically, when the mother sends things in the mail, they are usually long screeds justifying her behavior, or making patronizing apologies that she always ends up going back on in the end. So, why subject myself to more of the same? It doesn’t make sense anymore.
The only drawback of this is that I won’t be seeing my grandkids as much as I’d like. My daughter used them as a weapon anyway, and they knew it. Visits with me became problematic for them because of how their mother interrogated them after each visit to the point they’d start crying, then vomiting, until they gave her the answers that she wanted. (This usually meant that she was able to get them to say something negative about either myself or other family members who are not on the approved list created by her in-laws.) I will see them again some day when they are older and not as likely to fall prey to predatory family who manipulate them. When they are old enough to go out on their own, myself and their other family members (who also aren’t on the approved list) will be the first people they will run to. I put money on it.
Since I don’t do the political commentary thing anymore, I stick to reading websites, and listening to pod-casts that have something more to offer. Once again, a particular website has put something out that is not only helpful, but life saving. Although I didn’t happen upon him like I did the last time, a new writing by him reaffirms why people like me, and I’m sure many others, enjoy reading his website and watching his videos.
I watched Aurini’s following video the day it came out. If I had watched it in December, I wouldn’t have driven to that bridge. I am the person he describes who when upset, puts on their brave face and says nothing. This is another thing I plan to change in the future. Walking now, running later.
Then from On Depression:
Sometimes I feel like a darkness got into me at a young age; or that something was ripped out of me, that there’s some part of me that’s missing, and that the black dog knows this, and will forever be on my trail.
But somewhere along the way there was a piece of me that got ripped out; a capacity for a certain sort of joy and optimism. I can still understand joy, and experience it vicariously in others – but within myself it seems to have gone numb. I wonder if this is how an amputee feels? They were born whole of body, and yet a piece of them was stolen, sacrificed to war or illness… I feel guilty for even making this comparison; and then I wonder, do amputees in North America feel guilty over the amputees in the third world who never receive a prosthesis?
That I came to know evil when I was too young
Exactly my sentiments. I’ve known that evil, and have befriended that black dog for far too long.
I’ve taken a few steps to increase my happiness as listed above. I’m still a long way from clawing my way out of this darkness, but I’m at least I can see a glimmer of light. I still think about suicide, but not every day anymore. So far I’ve been able to increase my mood without the aide of drugs, but by consistent self study and appropriate thought processes. (Cutting off negative thoughts, increasing positive thinking, etc.) There is so much more I need to do before I can consider myself mentally healthy, but the process doesn’t seem as impossible as it used to.
I’m going to live if it kills me!
Anyway, I know there are others out there who are like me. You have to keep trying. Even if taking extreme steps in the beginning to protect your fragile emotional status such as cutting off family members; do it. They’re probably aliens anyway so just do it if they are a main cause of your suffering. You have to at least find out if life is worth living. How can you do it when you’ve got all this bullshit interference going on? Reduce as much cognitive dissonance as you can, then see if you are able to find happiness. If you’re like me and wear your empathy on your sleeve, make sure you’re doing it right.
While we’re on the subject of empathy, watch this video. This bitch is crazy, but my lord shes right about a lot of things. She’s got psychopaths pegged:
Holy freaking hell. She’s got the whole empathy thing pegged too. My mother unit does empathy exactly as she describes. JB’s videos are getting better and better. This is the most helpful one by her so far. Go to Judgy Bitch’s website and give her some Bloody Fissures love.
Pssst! Love the braids!
Guys, and maybe even some of the girls, hold on before you do yourself in. Seek things that make you happy and stay away from things that are the proverbial black dog whistle. Don’t feel the need to say Happy Mother’s Day to a mother unit that was never a real mother to you just because you’re afraid of the emotional blackmail that will follow if you don’t. Alien mothers don’t celebrate mother’s day anyway. They probably gather just like any other day and eat live babies or whatever.