I dated a guy for a couple of years who turned out to be more beta than post Monica Lewinksy Bill Clinton. Originally he was funny, attractive, intelligent, and decisive. As time went by he became sullen, meek, and had trouble holding down a job. One year for Christmas he brought home a pit bull as a present for me. She was just a pup at the time, but over the following year she became the best friend I’ve ever had. A few months after her first birthday, my boyfriend and I broke up. There was absolutely nothing left for me in the relationship that my best friend Milly couldn’t provide aside from sex. I’ve discovered over the last year that men are replaceable in that department too. There’s nothing a man can do that an electronic device can’t.
Since men have become too beta to lead themselves out of a paper bag, I figured I’d share my list of reasons why Pit Bulls are better than boyfriends (and husbands).
- They are loyal. In fact they are repeatedly seen in the top 10 lists of most loyal dogs out there.
- They want to please you.
- They’re always happy to see you.
- They are good protectors. All an intruder needs to know is whether or not there is a pit bull on premises. They have a distinctive bark, but you can also post a sign “Pit Bull on premises” to scare off the baddies.
- A well trained pit bull knows what “NO” means.
- Pit bulls have over flowing personality that shows up when you most need it. Their silly facial expressions are enough to turn a cloudy day sunny.
- They aren’t particularly fussy. They are easily pleased.
- They are easy to train. They retain what they’ve been taught without you having to repeat it over and over.
- They will never cheat on you.
- They will never lie to you.
- Their egos don’t lead them to do stupid shit.
- They don’t have egos.
- They smell better than the average man.
- You have to try really hard to make a pit bull mean. All you have to do is raise and train them properly from the beginning showing them who’s in charge and they will be your best buddy forever. Men are routinely malevolent and mean spirited without provocation from you. Have you read the internet?
- Pit bulls understand you. (All I need to do is shift my posture a certain way and Milly immediately understands if she’s done something that displeases me.) They understand the tone of your voice, your body language, and even the expression on your face. I know. I’ve tested it.
- They are adorable even when they’ve caused mischief.
- They LOVE to snuggle and don’t take up too much space on the bed.
I challenge any man or woman to tell me how a man can be better than a pit bull. And not just some dog, but a pit bull as they are indeed a unique breed. Once you go pit you don’t go back. Just sayin’.